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idek how to do these anymore.

a couple weeks ago i had food poisoning, which was fun, then the week after that i can't remember, and this week i'm home alone while mom's visiting her aunt. some days i've accomplished stuff, other days (like today) the whole breakfast and shower routine takes three hours.

i had a psychiatrist appointment and he talked more about this thing the psychologist had mentioned, a sort of office where they help people with verifiable mental disorders through the job process, and the psychiatrist is like, "surely they'll help people who are not in as bad a shape, like you, so totally go," and i'm just "yeah sure (never)". he also said that judging from what i've told them, it sounds like i experienced my two fruitless years looking for a job as some sort of psychological trauma, and the thought of doing that again just shuts me down, which...yeah. it was a bad time.

and aside from all that, and going through a basket of old childhood toys in the attic, moving my lemon tree (with new buds!) to a bigger pot, and not leaving the house most days (unless you count sunbathing on the terrace), there's not much else to report. reading is still a struggle, and writing is just ahahaha.

* Monty Python and the Holy Grail
29 January 2016 @ 09:46 pm
so today was moderately exhausting. i woke up at ungoldly hours because my body is stupid, and then we had to go out early anyway to catch the twice-every-hour train to anywhere civilized, which in this case was the next town over where all the cool shit is. i went to my psych appointment, twitched and wrung my hands and sweated like a tense mofo. (and one of th things i really, really love about this psychologist is that never once has he said anything like, "why are you so tense" or "stop twitching", unlike my therapist in rome or my gp or the nurse i saw a few times before finally getting the psych bro. and it's like thank fuck finally.) god i hate going to those things.

basically today's conclusions boils down to 1) baby steps so i can 2) get a job so i can 3) leave my parents so i can 4) live my damn(ed) life. also on the side burner is the "let's work on all the things that you are insecure about that are stopping you from doing the thing.

and i had to explain what an introvert was, because the bro was conflating it with social awkwardness or insecurity or inadequacy and i was like, no, no, see, i'm fine with people. okay, i can be shy when presented with 2938 strangers with whom i need to interact with, but i'm not sitting there having a conversation with a stranger and thinking "oh god, oh god, what do i say, what are they going to do, what's happening, how do i act????" i just...get tired. of people. i'm not scared of people. i just like the quiet sometimes.

so that was fun.

and i was feeling even more anxious and bitchy and irritated than yesterday, and it didn't help that mom was taking mean stabs at me out of nowhere, so that made the morning even more fun. and by fun i mean sarcasm.

then we got home, had lunch and a copious amount of alcohol and i whiled away the evening on the internet, not doing anything substantial. and no, i haven't read anything today. (some of you - and you know who you are - will start off the old "shaaaaaaame" song and, well, keep singing, bro. i have no fucks today.)

speaking of fucks, it was somewhat amusing to have the psychologist ask me if i was okay talking about that aspect - y'know, the rrrrromance ay ay ayyyy - of my life to which i was like, "bring it". because again, no shits. or fucks. (hermits get no benefits.)

and then i watched the 100's lated episode which was somewhat mediocre.

also my hip hurts like a bitch sometimes. i've been trying to stretch enough to do the split, over in my pilates classes, and ahahaha ze joints, they no like.

in conclusion: i am a void husk.

ps: i forgot to say that in barcelona, we stopped by this aquarium shop, and they had fancy working tropical fish aquariums, one huge one with a piranha and other fancy river fish, and ye gods, it smelled tropical, and THE NOSTALGIA. they also had two clown fish in another one, and a tiny shark fishy with tiny shrimp in another one, and one with those tiny iridescent tropical fish. it was awesome. (no but the warm moist river smell of the tropics. we have to go back, kate!)

pps: josh helman has cancelled his instagram - word has it because fans were dissing his girlfriend, which for fuck's sake, fandom - and this makes me sad. he had cute cats. and made nice panoramics.

* Common expression
i took half a chill pill last night to see if i could get some decent sleep, because i've been having 2-3 nightmares every goddamn night for like a week now and obviously sleeping like shit. (and before that, it's been pretty much on that same track.) i've been having so many more nightmares now. and my dreams on the meds are so...exhausting and logical and they make sense and if something looks like it's going to go wrong, it'll fix itself in a real world logical way. which pisses me off. i want my velociraptor zombie apocalypse dreams back. instead i get to wake up in tears because i missed my flight or my train or my class or i had to pack or i couldn't pack or i was moving house or i couldn't move house. (transportation, education, and moving. these are my nightmares. all the goddamn fucking time and i just can't take it anymore. all my issues being shoved in my face like that. fff.) so anyway. chill pill did the trick and i slept better.

except today i've been one continuous star wars "i've got a bad feeling about this" quiet mess. which is exciting. like, i'm a step away from falling into a pit of emotion. bad emotion. and instead i teeter here in the slightly numb vacuum. but i could have a cry if i wanted to.

h'anyway. nothing much happened today aside from aforementioned anxious black cloud of fuckery. pilates was had, no social events were done, parental dirt was thrown on me thrice.

oh, and mom cut the water. because our water counter is being stupid and there might be a leak or there might not. anyway, we're haemorrhaging water somewhere or we're being duped. either way. water's off for the night.

and tomorrow i have a psychologist appointment. i had one last week. i cannot express how much i do not want to go. (and i don't even get to drive there - it's in the next town over, as is practically everything - because mom's scared of taking the car out of the garage and up the ramp and good luck me trying that, although i really out to drive more and practice so i don't end up like last time with two left feet and no memory of how to start the car. but i digress.) last week, aside from commenting that i dole out my issues with eyedrops - or whatever metaphor is more appropriate - so he has to slowly work with what little i give him (which bro. bro. tell me what you want to know. what do you need to know?! because he's all "there's totally more to this, isn't there" like yes but???) the psychologist went on about how i need to seriously consider whether i actually want to move out. (and of course he turned it into a "abandon your mother to her own devices" angle which...i see where you're going but no. i'm just scared as fuck of everything that needs to be done to actually make an independent life, and i don't think i can get my shit together enough to do it, and i don't see the point and would like to stop existing now, thank you very much.)

anyway, hemmingway. it was stressful and it's going to be more stressful and i don't even know, bro. i'm trying to get my shit together one bit at a time but. these damned bursts of accomplishments just die soppy little deaths too quickly and i can't get them back and imma stop now with this post.

i should read. or listen to a podcast. or.


* tagline, Whose Line is it Anyway?
27 January 2016 @ 09:56 pm
so today mom and i went to barcelona for the day.

our first stop was this small dutch store called lekker (trans. tasty) which makes me just weep with nostalgia. the first time i went there, they even had the exact same pink-covered cupcakes (roze koeken) i'd buy in the supermarket. (they didn't have them this time though, which made me sad.) they had all the sauces. they had the salty liquorice. they had erwtensoep. for god's sake, they had poffertje mixes! and the pan! now, speaking of sauces, ever since i left the netherlands i've been aching for ye olden days when i made stir fries with these little curry blocks.  (i also used ready-made sauces which alsdsdfhnnngh.) I could have sworn they had them. but they only had the other, wet kind from another brand i recognized. less economic but zomg curry. the look of pleasured surprise when i said dankuwell to the wee adolescent boy at the till just made my day.

then we went to a cloth store to check out options for the guest bed and stuff. at another store we bought this massive blanket that's all fuzzy and furry and a beautiful blue and had to, unfortunately, lug it around for the rest of the day. however. awesome blanket is awesome.

after a lunch of sandwiches at a cafe we'd gone to before and loved because a) good food, b) excellent coffee, and c) aw yiss them reasonable prices, we went to a place i'd been bugging my mom to go to since we landed in spain. i knew it from when i lived there before and still had the address squirreled away on a paper: la cremeria toscana. italian ice cream. i mean really freaking good italian ice cream. jesus, we hadn't had gelatto in over a year and a half, since leaving rome. they were even playing an italian radio station. it was... *kisses fingers*

then we walked about a bit more, getting progressively more exhausted, until we called it quits and took the train at sants and started the long journey home. tea, tumblr, and dinner later, and now i'm curled up in bed ready to watch some bad television.

speaking of television, yesterday i watched so much nostalgia - i mean, the x-files's miniseries pilot. it's back. my childhood, it's back. and they kept the opening credits and everything. and the cigarette-smoking man is still smoking cigarettes, bless him. i had only two eh? moments: joel mchale's everything (except his speach, because he's good at those. mainly, i couldn't take him seriously because i only know him from community.), and this one scene where mulder is all dramatic shoulder grabbing at scully and the dialogue was a bit...capslock dramatic. aside from that, though, oh sweet jelly baby it's back. and i wasn't even too much a fan of it. (now, if they get star trek: the next generation back on air, i will never stop dancing.) but it was a thing i watched all the time with my brother and enjoyed it and that one episode with the scary mysterious tree people that ends with one hiding under scully's hotel bed and her leaving the room just in time will never leave me. also i vividly remember watching the movie with my bro when it came out, one winter in montreal. so it's a thing for me. a "moment in my life" thing more than a "mah babeh show" thing.

so that's been my day. i...i should check up on y'all's. i have not been good with keeping up on that. sorry.  

* "Do you speak Dutch?"
26 January 2016 @ 06:52 pm
might as well jump right into it as if i've been keeping this journal updated. which i haven't. for ages. and i"m so sorry. (also, fuck capital letters)

the status quo: i'm still living with my parents, still taking meds, still seeing a psychologist and -iatrist, still with a cv from five millions years ago with nigh a new thing on it. but. i'm truckin', which i guess is enough. i'm in a much brighter mood this week than last week, which is great. (also dad's gone for a month to mexico so it's just mom and me, which might explain why the stress levels in the house are down.)

i've been trying to read more because apparently i used up all my book worm cred in my earlier years. it doesn't help that i'm reading anne of green gables (jesus chistopher will she ever shut up?) and this really interesting but...somehow frustrating book on the tasmanian devil. (it's a good book just...my science senses won't stop tingling, and not in the good way.) h'anyway. books are good. read more books.

as for doing more learnings...not doing so well on that. will improve.

i did manage to clean my room, though, so go me.

i also planted a bunch of seeds, so i am an expectant plant-mother. i hope they germinate. (this is what happens when you have a person dying for a furry pet and being denied one because Parental Veto. i throw my love on tiny balls buried in dirt.)

*scuffs toe in the dirt* yeah i don't know what to say. hi hello i'm alive.

and the x-files are back so all is right with the world.

* "Finally Woken" by Jem
11 January 2016 @ 09:58 pm
The Year of 2015 in Memes and Lists

Read more...Collapse )

* "Just One Yesterday", Fall Out Boy
12 October 2015 @ 08:53 pm
welp. it's been nine months since my last confession entry. some people gestate a whole other person in that time. me? not even a driver's license.

PhD Shenanigans

i never did the visa stuff. it freaked me right out. the start date for the phd went from april to june. the peeps said i ought to get my driver's license first. (which well didn't that turn out to be a slow-ass process.) i haven't even checked my professional email since june, because at first i didn't want to get nervous before my driving exam, and then i had a second driving exam, and then i panicked.

so it's safe to say that whole thing's off. which. i mean. sucks. it really fucking does. it's my own fault. it took over two years to get that shit together and then i blew it. but then, on the other hand, i didn't really want to do a phd, and i'd just started on my mental health meds, and i'd just moved (twice) so it really was more like me standing around on fire saying "hey, who wants a barbecue?" and climbing an active volcano.

but it still sucks.

Mental Health

still on the meds (well, the depression meds. not the anxiety meds, because those were a recipe in how to make a zombie, which i did not appreciate). having semi-regular chats with a psychologist. (never once seen a psychiatrist despite, y'know, taking meds, which is uncool.) only had like that one solid week where my brain kept chanting "i want to die" at various volumes. otherwise, i'm generally alright. kinda dead inside, but sometimes there are bursts of achievement. i'm actually managing to read now, although i'm not writing so much. (well, alone. i appear to have written a gazillion words in RP.) no anxiety attacks, just slight brushes, so that's alright. (alright, sure, the self harm's been wack lately but not too bad.)

although, i did spend the day on the floor being miserable, so, y'know, moderate success.

General Life

i've spent so much money on driving classes and renewing my papers and taken four practical exams and now they're on fucking strike so, no, i don't have my license yet. which sucks.

i continue to not have a job, or even look for one, or know where to start, or not be paralysed with terror at the thought.

i'm still living with the parents. we moved in june to the very first house they've owned. (my brother's also bought a house. everyone has a house. except me. i have the dwindling patience of my parents.)

i'm also 32. which...yeah.

The Less Grim Aspects of Life

...so, them war boys, huh?

* Mad Max: Fury Road
29 January 2015 @ 10:47 pm
PhD shenanigans

so i got accepted to the PhD program. start date is set for april 1, but it's flexible. beurocracy is in the way (visa stuff, and funding) so everything is still up in the air. the funding stuff i've worked on, but the visa stuff i'm just staring at it scared shitless. (it's been a bad few weeks)

i had a video conference with the supervisors and one of the possible funders, which was nerve-wracking but not terrible.

i'm going to have to learn how to drive, though, because field research. i'm signing up for a course tomorrow and hope to do it as fast as possible because, again, april.

mental health shenanigans

i went to the doctor's on monday. came back with citalopram (20 mg) and lorazepam (1 mg). the psychiatrists have their meeting on thursdays, so they'll call me hopefully next week for an appointment. i've been headachey, nauseous, famished, and occasionally drowsy ever since. also woke up at 7:30 a.m. today which was uncool. i had a nap yesterday (one hour and a half), and another today (three hours), and keep waking up desperately disoriented and with no recollection of the day for a good while. fun times.

other shenanigans

my brother is coming to visit for ten days wee.
05 January 2015 @ 05:52 pm
The Year of 2014 in Memes and Lists: Read more...Collapse )

* Common expression
30 November 2014 @ 11:49 pm

* You Only Live Once, Acronym Slang